OK...my week; not going well......

Not only have a lost my passport (and been a lazy bum as I've known this for months and am only just sorting it out now!) but I also seem to have mislaid my birth certificate. Of course now they need my birth certificate to issue me a new passport.....yet I think the birth certificate is whereever my old passport is......plus, the Post Office who do a check and send service on passports is now insisting that I have a police incident number from when I reported my passport lost (which I never did!!)...of course the police are saying that this is silly and that it doesn't need to be reported......and I travel to America in 11 weeks time.

If I get a passport by this time, it'll be a miracle!!