I feel a bit like this tree today....rooted in God but a bundle of I don't know what on top

It's amazing how memories can wash over you in an instant.

I went to my Dads for lunch in the hope that I'd be able to search out my Birth Certificate. Dad (as i'm sure every parent has) has some metal boxes at the bottom of his wardrobe with all important documentation in....(you'd have thought I'd have had the brains to leave my passport and certificate there!).... There were 3 boxes all together and the wealth of memories, and intimacy in those boxes overwhelmed me.

There were 3 bibles that had been given to my mum; one from the 1950's given to her on the 150th anniversary of the church she went to, there was another given to her by a friend in 1962 and another given on her wedding day by the minister that married her and Dad. There were love letters mum and dad had written to one another in the early days of their courtship as Dad had worked as a lorry driver and was away from home a lot. There were school reports for both myself and my brother, a letter I'd written home from brownie camp that was written to "Mr John Hugh Jones, Mrs Eirwen Valerie Jones and Mister Robert Gareth Jones" saying I was having "a bit of a goodtime" but that I'd asked if mum and dad could come and pick me up as I'd "cryed all the first night". There were condolence cards and letters written after mum had died and a box full of her jewellery.

Her engagement and eternity rings were there along with a pearl necklace that dad bought her for their 25th wedding anniversary but that she'd never got the chance to wear. Her nurses watch was also there from when she was a nurse over 14 years ago that still keeps great time. There were all of my brothers adoption papers there.You could almost feel all the memories rising fom the boxes as I opened them; I'd loved to have had an afternoon to go through everything.

I decided to take some of mums jewelery so that I could wear it; I'd left the rings there thinking I'd use them for when I'd get married but have decided now that when i do I would like new rings. I also took a necklace that had been hers, a yellow gold one with a crucifix on it....I can clearly remember her wearing it now. It was amazing looking at the rings...I can remember trying them on as a child, sitting next to my mum and holding onto her hand with the wedding ring on it.....sitting on the bed as she'd be getting ready for a night out and watching her put her make-up and jewelery on....so many memories that had been tucked away.....I missed her so much as they washed over me....wondered what she'd make of me now.....would she agree with my faith or be wary of it like my dad. My housemate asked me whether I felt like this daily; a dull ache of missing her...but I don't daily. That my sound harsh but I think it's the only way that I can get through life. I'm aware that there is a huge part of my life missing on it but I wonder whether I'd get up every day if I had this dull ache within me....I think thats why it comes as a shock and knocks me for 6 when incidents like this do happen and I miss her so much.

Don't really know what these thoughts mean, just wanted to put them down somewhere and what better place than here......I'm beginning to wonder whether anyone but me reads this page ;-)