Hmmmm.....
Don't know what I am going to write at the moment. It's 1st December and meant to be such a happy time. Christmas is on the way......celebration time. There are so many things that I am thankful for; friends, e-mail, a job, a knowledge of what Christmas truly means, my health.
While I recognise these blessings I am feeling very low at the moment. I always begin to get pent up before Christmas; it's the season where my disfunctional family become even more disfunctional. My brother, his girlfriend and my nephew have decided that they are not coming up to ours at all on Christmas day. We can go there in the morning but because I have church this will mean I get to see my nephew for no more than 1/2 an hour on Christmas day. I never know where we are going or what we are doing on Christmas day as it is only Dad and I. This year we are going to my Aunt and Uncle's which will mean it will be over with by 2pm and it will just be Dad and I for the rest of the day. There is always the fear of the amount that Dad is drinking over the Christmas time. In the UK this is what it seems to revolve around....how much drink you can over the holiday.
Sadly this has already started. Dad has been drinking a lot of alcohol lately. He started before we went on holiday even though he had been off it completely for 5 weeks after our visit to the hospital when he last had a blow out with copious amounts of alcohol. I went home yesterday lunchtime and he was drunk. He couldn't stand without swaying. When I returned from youthgroup last night he was very drunk. I think in the day he had had 5 - 7 litres of beer. I went upstairs to write a letter to a friend and I heard him come up. He was then shuffling around his room and then I heard an almighty bang as he fell over. He was so drunk he couldn't get himself back up. He then went off to work this morning but returned 45 minutes earlier than normal. He is a Cleaner / Caretaker so what he has done is left work at 7:55 before all the office workers arrive at 8 and realised that he had been drinking. Once again when he came in at this time he was swaying from side to side so had obviously drunk the last few cans he had this morning.
I cannot even exlpain how I am beginning to feel at the moment. I ask God why....when is all this going to end. There is a feeling of responsibility for dad, that if I were a better daughter this wouldn't be happening. There is also so much guilt involved. How can I think about moving out, he has no one and if I do that he will really hit the bottle. Also the guilt that this has to be hidden. I want to hide it from my Aunts as according to them it is my fault, I should be staying in more and not doing so many things in church and then he wouldn't be doing this. Hide it from the outside world.....what must people think when he goes to buy alcohol at 8:30 in the morning. Hide it fom so many peoplebecause though this is killing me inside, he is still my Dad and I hate people condemning him. I have a desire to get away but where to? And how? I honestly feel that people think I am being over dramatic and that things can't be this bad, but I feel that I am a piece of wood that has been slowly but surely sanded down to hardly anything. I feel tired and worn and know that the only thing that can get me through this once again is God. I just feel as if I am trudging through mud and mire at the moment in no particular direction but just wanting to get through this situation. I feel lonely, which is only amplified by my struggle with singleness at the moment.But....
I will praise you, O LORD , among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens, and let your glory be over all the earth.
Save us and help us with your right hand, that those you love may be delivered.
Psalm 108: 3-6